my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
