i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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