I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
