She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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