my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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