I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
