I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
