took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Randomize
