If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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