i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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