I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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