bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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