i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
