I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
