My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
