I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
