Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
