You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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