allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
