haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
