whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
