What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It's official drugs can't kill me
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
