This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
