Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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