If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
