Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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