I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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