I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Randomize
