saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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