God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize