i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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