fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
