standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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