Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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