So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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