I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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