ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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