jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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