if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
