Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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