God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
