so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
