Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
