Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
