I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
