Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Are my feet made of real feet?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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