how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
