When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
