I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
