So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
