shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
