Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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