Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
