I need help removing her.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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