I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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