You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Come share oat with me in your robe
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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