I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize