So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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